I was pretty surprised to see that but then I realized it made sense considering how angst-y I get during holidays. The holiday season really is a miserable time for me. I actually had started to make a video about why I can't deal with holidays...but even that overwhelmed me - like everything else does during December so the video is sitting in fragments on one of my computers, incomplete.
Now that Christmas is behind us (phew!), I can think and write about it with freaking out. So the Cliffs Notes version of the causes of my holiday aversion are as follows:
1. Anosmia. Ever since I lost my sense of smell 10 years ago, nothing has been the same.
Not being able to smell is like I am cut off from the real world; like my world is black & white and everyone else's is in color. Not being able to smell robs you of the ability to recall memory or create new memories based on smell. I can't smell holidays anymore and everywhere I look are the reminders of what is now out of reach for me. It's very painful. Maybe one day I'll put something together about the real effects of losing the sense of smell. A lot of people think it's not a big deal and they always say that's the one they'd choose if they had to lose a sense. But losing the ability to smell is a profound loss on so many complex levels; the tremendous loss is one that can't even be imagined unless you've experienced it. Trust me.
2. Family. The holidays bring families together, right? That's the big message but not the case in our "family"¹. Nothing can do that. Holidays are a constant reminder of that sad fact.
It used to not be this way and so at holiday time visions of Christmas' past are like ripping band-aids off sensitive flesh. So (1.) I can't smell holidays and (2.) my memories of holidays are filled with people who I'd rather not think about. Our entire real family is my daughter & her boyfriend, my mom & aunt. That's it. The constant reminders of happy families in ads, on television, etc., makes my depression worse. Someone I follow on Instagram posted that she had to go off of IG for a few weeks in December because she had lost her own mother not long ago and could not deal with seeing pictures of people doing holiday things with their mothers. I get that. She apologized for feeling that way but really she shouldn't have.
3. Money. When you are cut off from smelling holidays, holidays become really weird. This year I was especially sensitive to this weirdness. I don't know why, it just was magnified this year. It was as if I was remote viewing the whole thing. I was watching the world around me go mad which is what people do every year but this year for some reason I was really seeing it for what it was. Every store I went to (after I got through the massive traffic jams caused by crazed holiday shoppers) I was amazed at what people were spending their money on and doing so in some kind of trance or frenzy. This year, for some reason, it was as if I had some kind of Twilight Zone/George Bailey² Christmas experience and let me tell you it was bizarre.
Gift giving is wonderful and is actually one of my favorite things to do, but I prefer thoughtful giving vs. obligatory giving. JP and I don't exchange gifts for Christmas because I can't stand spending money on stuff no one wants or needs + I hate doing anything because "they" say you're supposed to. We give each other gifts throughout the year as inspiration hits, not because of a date on a calendar, and it is much more meaningful that way (for us, anyway). My own mother, who lives on a very small fixed income, loses her mind at Christmastime and calls me constantly starting just after Thanksgiving, wanting to know what we want for Christmas as if we are children with a wish list. I try to explain to her over and over again that we don't "want" anything and that if she feels like she must get us something, it should be something she sees that she thinks we would like. The idea of that is completely lost on her. So in exasperation (the spirit of Christmas?) I tell her I want socks or a book and then she scoffs at those things. Sigh.
I just wish everyone would give more thought to their gift giving.
And homemade gifts really are the best. Cookies, for example.
Yes, always give me homemade cookies. 😄
3. Ordinary. One of my many personal truths is simply that I like ordinary days the best. I don't like disruption in my days or in my house (like with Christmas decorations), it stresses me out. Nowadays I need for my holidays to be quiet and simple just like my everydays are.
On Christmas Day we went for a long ride through the country and then we stopped at the Brandywine River Museum of Art and took a walk with Lunabelle through the grounds there. There's a path along the river - it's wooded and peaceful. When we got home I made a French lasagna and we had a quiet dinner with some wine. It was perfect.
It's a wonderful rainy day here today, my favorite kind of day. Seems that most people don't like rainy days but for me I get more energetic, inspired, and calmer. Rainy days are also good for going places as everyone else is inside hiding and complaining about the weather.
¹Dysfunction, estrangement, indifference, refusal to communicate, God only knows whatever else.
²George Bailey is the main character in It's A Wonderful Life.
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