Overdue Small Update

Will I ever write consistently on this blog?  Who knows. Life got chaotic, again, then I got overwhelmed which renders me frozen and I can't do much of anything so the calendar pages

 

 

fly by and nothing gets posted here. 

I'm currently thawing but I'd like to think I'll be unfrozen very soon.  Writing this today is a step in that direction.

The chaos?  Both the good and bad kind.

The big news is that we bought a house.
Or, a second house.
A second house that will eventually be our only house.
The plan is to keep our current house in NJ and transition slowly to the new house in DE, dividing our time between the two places for the immediate future. 

This is all very exciting and great and wonderful, while also being scary and did I mention scary?

I don't know why I'm scared. I guess it's because I'm usually scared of everything, thanks to having an anxiety disorder.  I've come to realize that it's really, really hard for me to be happy about anything because my anxiety likes to ruin everything for me by switching on the part of my brain that stores all the what if's.

It is not fun, having this kind of brain, by the way.

And I am actually very much looking forward to moving out of NJ and getting back to DE even though it's bittersweet to leave NJ - a place that I love so dearly. 

Like so many others, we're leaving NJ because we're getting priced out; that is to say that the state of NJ and its ridiculous property taxes is just too expensive.  Example: NJ house property tax is 8K, while the DE house is $1200.  Similiarly sized houses.



The area that we're moving to is sort of rural and farm-y, and it's close to the beaches on one side and the Chesapeake area on the other.  I won't run out of things to do and places to visit. Not too shabby.

If only I could shut off the all the what if's that keep popping up, putting a damper on what is a very exciting time.

Part of the getting unfrozen plan is to get back to doing some of the things I used to be passionate about.  Making videos is one of those things and I'm hoping to document the chaos of having two houses, the slow transfer of too much stuff from one to the other, and all the in-between things.

Stay tuned.

Journal Fun Continues...

I'm not going to analyze this too closely to try and figure out why journaling like this is so much freakin' fun...I'm just going to keep doing it and painting and marker-ing and focusing on nonsense while unfocusing on life crap and world crap, etc.

I keep getting older and I still keep on playing (even though society doesn't put a lot of emphasis on playtime for adults. Listen - society is not doing so great right now so I wouldn't put a lot of faith in what "they" say you should or shouldn't be doing!)  

Seriously, don't stop playing. 

Or, re-start playing if you've already stopped.

Making Play Part Of Adult Life

Watercolor Journal - 02.19.24

Watercolor journaling has taken over my life!

I've been struggling with the kind of depression that lets me function but not in a high functioning kind of way and as a result I've no interest in many of the activities that I used to love. 
Except when it involves having a paintbrush or marker in my hand. 
A lot of the time I still struggle with finding the motivation to start a new journal piece or paint an ornament that I'll leave on a park bench for someone to find...but once I find the will to force myself to start, it's easy for me to lose myself in it again.

Oh, I know my watercolor artwork isn't great and I don't care one bit. Because it's fun. Really fun. And calming. And some of the stuff I'm coming up with is amusing the heck out of me and, right now, while I'm living with bleakness, I'll take whatever level of happy I can get.

I have not been able to create any new photo art in a while because I can't get to the mental place* that fuels the creativity I need for it. 
And - I can't lie about this - I hate when I spend a significant amount of time creating a new photo art piece and then I release it to the world via social media...and people just hit the like button and move on.
I need so much more interaction than that.  I'm not saying I need adoration - that actually makes me uncomfortable; I'm saying that I want people to really look at the art and say something - anything - about it. Things like "this reminds me of _______" or "this makes me feel _____"...that sort of thing.

My lifelong affliction - craving connection.

Ironically, "social" media is actually not the place for that or, apparently, for people like me.

]

*Medication is not an option because
(a) I hate taking medication, and
(b) I actually gave in and tried a few and had to come off them immediately because my system is "medication resistant".

Watercolor Journal - 02.14.24

Watercolor Journal - 01 30 24

Watercolor Journal - 01 25 24

Watercolor Journal - 01 16 24

New Video - "She Seeks Sanctuary"

The Globe, Berlin, MD - A Decade Ago

That one show, 10 years ago, when and where it all started.

I had sent out postcards to galleries that featured my artwork, introducing myself & with a simple statement about being interested in showing at their venue.

Long story short, the owner of The Globe liked what she saw, had me come down to Berlin, MD for a meeting and the rest is history...kismet...serendipity.

To say I was well-received there would be a major understatement.

That one show turned into a few other shows and then eventually I was given the amazing opportunity becoming The Globe's sole resident artist with my artwork on the walls 365 days a year for several years until they closed just before the pandemic.

A lot of years of making new friends, hearing stories about how my artwork evoked memories, and success both monetarily and on a soul level. All of that in an environment that felt warm, inviting, cozy.

I miss it there. I went through a pretty big funk after The Globe closed (they eventually reopened but with a new owner/vibe).

I'm happy to say that it is in the works for me to be returning to that area and tapping back into the energy that gave me so much.

Birthday Recap

So yesterday, 10/29. was my birthday.

We don't need to talk about the number but suffice to say that it was a milestone birthday. 

Initially I wanted the actual day and days surrounding it to be "epic", whatever the heck that means.
But then as it drew closer I started realizing that nothing I could do, no place I could go, no experience I could have, would replace what I already have: people I love unconditionally who love me back unconditionally and who would not dream of not making sure they were with me to insure that I had a special day.

My circle is small. My husband, daughter, and her fiancè. Oh, I have more people than that who I am related to or acquainted with but there's a whole lot of weirdness and off-the-chart dysfunction that keeps them from enjoying what we have to offer. See, our house is full of love and fun and generosity and good food and regularly the kind of laughter that makes you scream because your stomach hurts from it. Sure, we might piss each other off from time to time but in our small circle we resolve issues instead of using them to harden our hearts and let bitterness take hold of our souls. No matter what though, we show up for each other. I am not related to or know a lot of people who relate to that or adhere to that edict.
And, boy, are they missing out. We have a lot to offer to those we care about.

Anyway, here is something else that defined my milestone birthday:

I secretly harbored a hope that my friend - whom I have been friends with since 7th grade - would show up at my doorstep to surprise me on my birthday weekend.

When I told my husband I was going to run out for some shopping on Saturday, the day before my birthday, he very uncharacteristically said I should stay home instead. He cited traffic and reminded me of how much I disliked weekend shopping because that's when everyone was out, overcrowding places.
After more back and forth, I finally asked him what was really going on. He told me that there was a delivery coming but would say nothing more beyond saying that the delivery was not from him
.
I deduced that the delivery was going to actually be my friend, driving the two hours to surprise me, especially since we had driven those same two hours for their milestone birthday.
Afterall, if it was just a delivery of something why did I have to be home for it, as my husband was insisting? Couldn't he just accept the delivery while I was out? I figured they were all in cahoots behind my back to surprise me.

So I set to work cleaning the house just in case my suspicion was correct and since I didn't want to wind up feeling stupid, telling myself that if I was wrong at least I'd have a clean house.

There is a fall wreath hanging on our front storm door. If someone is outside at that door, all you can see is the bottom half of them as the wreath obscures their upper body.
I had let the dog out and was standing on the back patio watching her when I heard someone knock on the front storm door. 
I ran inside and saw the bottom half of a person standing on my front steps and I could see that the person was holding a gift bag and balloons.
My friend is here! I thought, with a happy skip of my heartbeat.
I opened the door...

only to find an elderly delivery man holding some flowers in one hand and balloons and a small gift bag* in the other.

It hit then, really a little bit hard. Friend is not coming.

And then hit hard again a little while later when another delivery person showed up, this time with a cake, also sent from friend.

Turns out the thing I was right about is that I did not, in fact, have to be home for the deliveries (friend had told my husband & daughter to make sure I was home for them - all of us now unsure why friend couldn't have just stated that someone should be there to accept deliveries).

Did I wind up feeling dumb for cleaning my house with a hopeful heart? Yes, I did. Mixed with a little bit of embarrassment for being naive.

I'm not ungrateful. The deliveries were very nice.
But there is nothing that can be delivered to your doorstep that will ever take the place of someone you care for showing up on that same doorstep to say "I wouldn't miss sharing this with you for anything."

Isn't that the thing we all want most?

Life is so short. Birthdays are one day out of 365. One day that is someone's very own special day.
364 days to plan for it.
Don't miss that for them. Make the drive. Show up on their doorstep if you can.

Think about the look that will be on their face when they open their door and find you standing there.

Think about making this happen: 

 

*1st delivery man delivered flowers, birthday balloons, and a bag with a tiny box of candy.

Gumby? No, GUMBO!

I thought it said that today was National Gumby Day.

Turns out it's actually National GUMBO Day.

Anyway, here is Gumby hanging out with some of the ingredients for gumbo.

Southern Food Heritage Day

Today is Southern Food Heritage Day... and so I pay homage to my second favorite (hush puppies are #1) southern food that I quickly loved as a child in North Carolina.