My October Calendar

Some Current Stuff

Recently I wrote a post here about my not-so-great neighbors.

I published it and then hours later started to feel bad.

Started to feel bad about writing about them being bad neighbors in a what-if-they-somehow-read-this kind of way.
So I unpublished it.
(Coward that I apparently am.)

It's like, "oh, sorry I wrote about your bad behavior, I wouldn't want to make you feel bad about being bad neighbors and being the reason your neighbors resent you for ruining their life experience at their own homes."

What the hell?
I feel bad?? Is this some kind of doormat, people-pleasing thing I have?  Is it irony?
When people do bad things are we only allowed to think to ourselves that they're jerks and not allowed to talk about it or write about it if we happen to be someone who writes about stuff??
I should re-publish it, right?

Moving on...

I've talked about how I lost my ability to smell 17 years ago.

Before then, I had a favorite candle.  I forgot about it for years after the smell loss but some months back I remembered it and was happy to see it still exists.

Since then I've been obsessing on buying one, which is ridiculous because I will not be able to smell it's glorious fragrance.  Also, they're not cheap!

At least once a week I'm on their website with my mouse hovering over the 'buy now' button.  I've even subscribed to receive their newsletter.

I cannot explain this behavior.  🙃

I belong to various online groups for people like me who are anosmic and I posted to them about this desire of mine to purchase a candle I can't smell and they all said I should buy it anyway and do things like remembering how much I loved it while burning it which seems kind of like an act of...self-cruelty?  Others said to buy it and burn it so family members or anyone who visits could enjoy it and that that would then make me happy.

Yeah, no.

Here is a link to the candle that will forever be my favorite.  You should buy one because you will adore it.
If you do buy one, please think of me and my long-gone sense of smell when you burn it.

Also, do not ever take your ability to smell for granted.

I'm at the apartment this week and was in need of some groceries for dinner so I headed out. The apartment complex is a bunch of separate buildings, each with their own parking lots.  I had pulled out of my parking lot and was approaching the one behind my building when I came upon a bunch of people standing in groups, all facing one direction as if they were watching something happening. Almost all of them were holding a cellphone in front of their face...

Kind of like this picture except many of the people were holding their phone in front of their face, as in filming something.

Right away I thought, what's happening? The scene was akin to people who maybe had to evacuate because the fire department or police told them to.
So since the building they were near is near to my own building I thought it best to ask someone what was going on because I am never not in fight or flight (C-PTSD) and would like to know if something if I should actually take flight.
I pulled up to a woman standing alone, rolled my passenger window down and asked her if everything was okay.
She looked at me like I was nuts, then said "yeah, we're waiting for the school bus."
OK, a couple of things here:
1. I have spent a good portion of my life waiting for my daughter's school bus with other parents back in the day. Never did it look like an emergency scene.

2. It was 4:30 in the afternoon. Kids don't get home from school until 4:30 nowadays?

As I pulled away I immediately felt very embarrassed and thought well, I'll have to never leave the apartment in the light of day ever again.

But then I checked myself.
For one, it was an honest mistake.
For two, well....stupid cell phones. Again.  

I literally thought all those people were filming some kind of emergency or criminal activity because that's exactly what it looked like.
But no, it was just 20 or 30 people unable to go outside for some minutes and maybe talk to each other or watch the clouds without putting their stupid cell phones in their faces.

How has this happened to (most of) us?

Here's my truth:  I pretty much hate cell phones and I think they have ruined many, many things.
That said, I also have and use one regularly, although I don't seem to use mine the way many other people seem to use theirs.  I don't bank or watch videos/movies or play games on mine.  I never watch Tik Tok anything although I do have Facebook and Instagram installed. The McDonald's app is installed because I have a Filet O' Fish problem and when I order using the app I get points which gets me free Filet O' Fish sandwiches. I text a lot with my husband and daughter. Primarily, though, it's the camera. I take a lot of photos and videos.

My daughter recently got a new iPhone. In the past I - a cheap Android phone person who could not care less what version my phone is - wound up being wayyyy too impressed with the photos and videos she was posting from her new phone.  They were nothing short of cinematic - I was floored by the quality.

At about the same time as her posts I began experiencing symptoms I've never experienced before.
Symptoms like envy, jealousy, denial.
I was trying very, very hard not to admit it but...I wanted that phone.
I still want that phone. 
I want it so much I've even been to the T-Mobile website to see who has it and if they - wait for it - 

have it in the color I would want.  Because something happened to my brain (shocker, considering my brain injury history) that now makes me care not only about what kind of phone I have, but that it is the right color...even though I could buy a case in any conceivable color I could imagine.

But it gets worse.

I also want an iMac desktop computer, mostly because of the integration aspects.
Eliminating the uploading/downloading time-consuming and annoying steps when using phone for photos and videos would be a game changer for my work flow.
I've been a loyal HP/Windows computer owner for years but I'm bone tired of Windows and its issues, updates, forced things, etc.

All of that being said, I hate spending money  🙃
so considering anything Apple is way out of my comfort zone.

And there's the whole becoming a "phone person" thing.  I don't want to be a phone person (see above in which I reference "stupid cell phones").  I don't want my life to revolve around the soul-stealing electronic rectangle everyone is addicted to.

Yet here we are.

September Calendar

We Might Have A New Jersey Problem

Yesterday I spent a lot of time here 🠝

I sat on a shady bench with Luna, chatted with a bunch of people like the lady with a bicycle who took a strong liking to Luna and vice versa; and the caregiver who was walking with the old woman with the walker.

I watched tugboats (I ♥ tugboats) and pleasure boats come and go; giant freighters pass by. It was a calm day so sometimes I could hear voices carrying over the water from people on the docks opposite from where I was sitting.

As if all of this wasn't wonderful enough, I got to watch planes arrive and depart from Philadelphia International Airport (PHL) while tracking them on the FlightRadar24 app which told where they were going or coming from - a thrill I can't explain to anyone who isn't a dreamer or someone with wanderlust or someone with an overactive imagination.  

Budapest!

My late father had a severe case of wanderlust and airplane love and we went on many, many related adventures when I was little.  I'll write more about that one day.  He would have loved my yesterday.

After the park, I picked up lunch and returned to our little apartment.

I keep meaning to make a video about how and why we now have an apartment in New Jersey and a house in Delaware but I'll give you the Cliffs Notes version here:  even though we have an amazing house in Delaware - a dream house, really - I was rapidly declining mentally and physically after 2.5 years of being there. 
Turns out that you can have the best house with the best stuff and still hate where you live because, in short, there is no soul there. Because it's quite possibly the most boring place on earth.  Because my daughter is in NJ and we can't have too much distance between us. Because New Jersey is unlike any other place and it gets into your blood and no other place will ever be as good. If you are a born and bred New Jerseyan like I am, you'll get that.

You can take the girl out of New Jersey but you can never take the New Jersey out of the girl.
I had to go back.

It's another of the things that I'll write more about one day or I'll finally make that video I've been procrastinating.

So we rented an apartment so I could be back in my beloved New Jersey and get grounded and normal and reset my nervous system.  It was really bad in Delaware.

The idea was that I would sort of split my time between the two places until we decided what our next literal move would be - more than likely that would mean selling the DE house and buying a NJ house.

The problem, though, is that the more time I spend at the little apartment, the happier I get, and the more I don't want to go back to Delaware...even for a few days.  

I have a three-bedroom lushly landscaped house with a large family room (all of which are filled with antiques), a deck with beautiful patio furniture, my own office, a she-shed, on a quiet cul-de-sac...

and I'm far more happy in a little one-bedroom apartment.

When I met JP I lived in a two-bedroom apartment that I adored and I told him emphatically that I did not want to buy a house when he was pushing for one after we'd been together for awhile.
I loved the freedom of apartment life - the low responsibility life, the carefree lifestyle, the ability to easily move when the lease was up if I were unhappy there.
I wound up giving in to his house wish and we've had several houses since and every single one of them has felt like this:

A constant monkey on my back.
Like I am heavy with responsibility and worries and unexpected expenses.

Don't get me wrong, I was proud to be a homeowner but I was always always aware of the burden of it.

I was/am the weirdo who thinks outside the norm that maybe homeownership is sort of overrated. At least for some of us.

For context I should add that it's just me and JP down there in Delaware. No friends, no family who visit (stay tuned for those stories).  What are we doing down there in Delaware with a big house and property?? So much maintenance. Last year we paid more than $1,000 just to have someone remove leaves.  
It's all just too much.  

The plan was that I was going back to Delaware tonight for a few days and now I don't want to.
I woke up this morning with much less of the physical pain I live with every day and I know it's because here in the apartment, I feel lighter and much happier.  I'm actually feeling trepidatious about going "home" to Delaware even though 3/4 of my stuff is there.  

I think I'll put it off for one more day so my time there is lesser and I can come back to NJ sooner - to this little apartment - my literal happy place.

Turns out, stuff might not really equal happiness after all.

P.S.  Since being at the apartment, I'm actually writing again.

Anosmia Tales: HomeGoods Candles

Crowded HomeGoods store in Cherry Hill (NJ) yesterday.

Candle aisle.

(I still buy candles for the aesthetic even though I can no longer smell anything)

Side-eye watched as lots of people sniffed lots of candles as they shopped the aisle.

I was ery aware that it felt like a gut punch.

I wanted to tell every one of them how lucky they are to be able to smell the candle scents and that they should never, ever take that for granted.

Seventeen+ years of not being able to smell anything anymore and it still hurts and saddens everyday.

There is no escape from constant reminders of this loss.

2:00 a.m.

2am. woke up for the bathroom and maybe because something might have been annoyingly pinching my leg.

back in bed after bathroom, think i hear rain.

think about drought conditions. feel happy that it's raining - we need it.

remembered that the patio furniture is uncovered.

spent 10 minutes pondering whether it would be okay if the cushions got wet.

got up, looked outside: no rain.

back in bed. thought about whether or not weatherman said it was going to rain overnight. can't remember.

thought/worried about cushions getting wet again.

checked the weather. heavy rain at 4am forecast.

i don't want the cushion to get wet.

thought about mold and mildew.

thought about how much we spent on patio furniture.

thought a little bit more about mold and mildew.

..............

got out of bed and into the garage to get patio furniture covers.

schlepped the heavy covers through the house and out onto the back patio.

looked around, hoped nothing creepy was out there or would land on me.

wrestled with (2) arm chair covers, (1) loveseat cover, (1) sofa cover.

put them on incorrectly several times before (mostly) getting them right.

back inside and into bedroom. remembered that the patio umbrellas were up and thought i should probably have put them down in case it gets windy when/if it starts to rain.

back outside to lower the umbrellas.

back inside to the bedroom. kinda wired from wrestling with patio furniture covers and umbrellas.

go on pinterest. go on twitter.

eventually acknowledge exhaustion feeling. decide to try sleeping again but first a quick trip to bathroom again because nighttime is party time for bladder.

pull back cover to get back into bed - what is that black thing on my sheets? is it the thing that was pinching my leg? get out of bed to get a paper towel to remove black thing that can't be identified because i didn't bother to put glasses on.

throw black thing away. put on sleep mask, snuggle into covers. try not to think about what black thing might have been.

settle in but then start thinking about how i think i'm feeling kind of hungry.

toast might be nice but a lot of effort.

remove sleep mask, say "f**k it" out loud, plod into kitchen to make a cup of coffee and get a cheese stick to quell hunger pangs.

think about how enjoyable middle of the night coffee is.

dog has followed me and is looking at me like "where's mine?"

feed dog some dog food.

eat cheese stick with some sips of coffee.

back in bed thinking that after all this middle of the night activity

1. i will just catch up on missed sleep later and be just fine (ha), and

2. if it winds up not raining i'm going to be really, really pissed.

4am update: no rain.

August Calendar

July Calendar

Yesterday Was The Final Straw

Yesterday the stupid landscaper tore out my morning glories.

I was (am) devastated on a level I can't put into words.

Since it happened, I can't go out the front door because I can't see the areas where they aren't anymore.  I'm going to have to use the garage door on the other side of the house to avoid the area of carnage where the decimation happened.

Today it feels like I'm...mourning? A feeling of profound sadness. Does that sound dramatic? Extreme? Ridiculous?

Maybe so.  But it was me who planted them last year and this year it felt like they came back for me.

Because they knew I loved them.  My babies.

And they got ripped out by idiots who call themselves landscapers but don't know the difference between a weed and a flower vine and it feels so...violent.

After a literal lifetime of being traumatized, I seriously don't need one more thing to traumatize me.

The kicker?  I didn't want the landscapers to come but I didn't put up enough of a fight.

And look what happened.

So I melted down last night and finally said I have had enough.

I do not want to live in a house that requires the services of a landscaper.

I do not want to live in a house where the lawn company comes regularly to fertilize.

I do not want to live in a house with a sophisticated, complicated irrigation system.

For years I have given in to things that I never, ever wanted and boy oh boy has it cost me.

I don't want a McMansion life.

I don't want to be defined by - God forbid - the quality of my lawn.

I am not this shallow, this one-dimensional.  I've just been playing the part for too long.

Well now it's time to put the brakes on that.

To get real again, to return to my roots (no pun intended).

I live on a cul-de-sac, for God's sake.  I have the dream suburban life only it's actually a nightmare.

I love this house but I hate where it is, I hate the upkeep of a fancy property that no one is ever outside enjoying anyway.  In a neighborhood where everyone keeps to themselves.  What is the point of all this?

I want simple again.  

I want to grow my morning glories and live in a house on a humble property where no one will ever touch them except me.

And you can mark my words that I will make sure that happens.  I owe it to myself. 

I have to be in control of my own happiness again.

Life With Reverse-SAD + Bach Remedies

A wonderfully cloudy day yesterday with rain and non-severe storms last night.

I was calm, happy - felt that heavy, burdensome weight of summer lift off of me. Stood at the front door for a long time just watching the heavy rain fall.

Woke up to bright sunshine and 0% chance of clouds or rain today and my mood has plummeted.

The weight is back.

This is ife with Reverse (Summer) Seasonal Affective Disorder (R-SAD).

bleh.

There's not a lot of options for me (personally) to deal with having R-SAD.  I do not take medications (such as anti-depressants) because 

1. I hate medications, and

2. Nearly all medications cause abnormal side effects for me, above and beyond what the medication's side effects pamphlets might indicate. I am just not cut out for pharmaceuticals*.  Not that long ago I sprung $$ for genetic testing to see what meds might and might not work for me and some that were on the list as good meds were the ones that had caused tremendous problems for me in the past.  C'est la vie, right?

I have always been very interested in holistic options for well-being and one, in particular, has served me through the many traumas I've been dealt:  Bach Rescue Remedy, a combination of flower essences that calm the mind, body and spirit naturally and safely.

If you are unfamiliar with the Bach line of flower essence products, you can read about them here.

There are individual Bach remedies that address many different issues someone might be dealing with - here is a quick reference guide to the 38 remedies and the particular characteristic or emotional state they can help:  Bach Remedy Quick Reference Guide

Additionally, Rose Todd, a Bach Remedy expert, has an amazingly helpful website and she's very responsive to messages and questions you might have.  She wrote a post for people like me who suffer with summer:  Too Hot To Handle

*I used to be okay with medications of any kind but that all changed when I suffered a double pneumothorax (lung collapse) in 2009. My brain was likely affected (hypoxia) as a result of going days with reduced oxygen (left lung was 100% collapsed, right lung was 75+% collapsed.  I had about two hours left to live by the time I got to the hospital.)  

June Calendar

Smell Loss Can Be As Devastating As Parkinson's and Stroke

It's been 17 years of complete smell loss and only tasting sweet/salty/bitter/sour/umami (I can no longer taste flavors).

But that is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to smell loss (anosmia). Most don't realize the far-reaching effects of not being able to smell or taste the world you live in.

This article explain why it is, in fact, devastating. Every single day.

Smell Loss Can Be As Devastating As Parkinson's and Stroke (by University of East Anglia)

https://medicalxpress.com/news/2026-06-loss-devastating-parkinson.html

                                                   this would smell like nothing to me

image via Unsplash