I have medical PTSD...well, actually, I have C-PTSD (the C stands for Complex) which means it's sourced from more than one trauma but the medical part is a big part of my particular PTSD pie.
What that means for me is that it's about 1000 times worse than the more commonly known 'White Coat Syndrome' so even something as simple-sounding as going to Walgreen's to get a vaccine that a gazillion people have gotten is a monumental thing for me...and I mean that in the true sense of the word.
Anyway, we went to Walgreen's. I had cancelled approx 3 appointments prior to this one for various reasons such as the stars not being in the correct alignment 😄 but at this point I was so sick of myself, sick of my anxiety and neuroses, that I forced myself this time.
And once we got there and approached the pharmacy part of the store I told JP I couldn't do it, which he understood because he is saint-like in his support and understanding of my aforementioned anxiety and neuroses.
Not wanting to disappoint him or myself, I then told him let's walk around the store a bit to see if the panic subsides.
Well, panic doesn't really cooperate like that but I fought back and by some otherworldly grace of God, summoned the courage to walk up to the vaccine counter and told them (with tears in my eyes) I was there for my appointment but that I didn't know if I could go through with it. The tech and the pharmacist stopped what they were doing even though they were really, really busy and turned into angels from Heaven right before my very eyes to ask me what was going and then to say really kind and reassuring things. They encouraged me to go sit down and to let them know when I was ready and to take as much time as I needed.
Medical PTSD usually means that at this point I bolt and drive home with a good dose of shame.
But I didn't do that this time. Hooray.
But I didn't do that this time. Hooray.
While in the 15 minute wait period afterward, I furiously scrolled through Instagram on my phone in order to not think about the vaccine juice that was now coursing through my body as JP stroked my hair (calming) and told me how proud he was of me because he knows the extent of my C-PTSD better than anyone.
I know this sounds dramatic but you have to trust me on how bad trauma is.
I know this sounds dramatic but you have to trust me on how bad trauma is.
On our way out of Walgreen's, JP stopped at the counter to buy me my favorite candy (Reese's Sticks) and a big box of sparklers (because fun!) which kind of made getting the jab totally worth it.
The only side effect I had was two days of fatigue which felt a lot like how I used to feel when, many years ago, I would partake in the whacky tobacky so I kind of liked it. Ha.
Round #2 in a couple of weeks and while I'm not exactly looking forward to it, I know now that I can do it without freaking out.
Too much.
Too much.
Without freaking out too much. 😉
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