Andrew Wyeth + Panic On The Big Blue Bridge

Last evening we sat on the porch, drinking wine, talking,

mostly about the previous night's trip in to Philadelphia to see the premiere of the new Andrew Wyeth documentary at the Kimmel Center.

Coupla things...

I adore Andrew Wyeth.

There is no other artist that I would say that about.

His art takes me to places deep into my soul and I know how freakin' artsy and corny and pretentious that sounds - the exact things I hate when it comes to art - but in the case of me and Andrew Wyeth, it's true.  I won't explain further than that because what it really is...is magic.  And (1) magic can't be explained, and (2) magic loses its magic when you attempt to explain it.  Magic is mystery, after all.  We'll leave it at that.

The film, WYETH, was outstanding.

It airs tonight (9/7/18) on PBS and is available on DVD via Amazon.  The television version is abbreviated to 60 minutes; the DVD is 86 minutes and shows more about NC Wyeth and how the Japanese feel about AW.

We went in to Philly on Wednesday during the height of rush hour.

A word of advice: if you can mange to go in to Philadelphia from Delaware at a time that isn't during rush hour, I implore you to do so.

Particularly if you have anxiety.

And anxiety attacks.

And claustrophobia.

Because I had a massive anxiety attack while sitting in stop and go (mostly stop) on I-95 just as we were getting on the Girard Point bridge (that's its proper name; I call it the big blue bridge) that leads into Philly.

Big Blue Bridge to Philly, without rush hour traffic¹

See, I don't just have claustrophobia, I have claustrophobia to the tenth power.  My claustrophobia has claustrophobia.  It's that bad.

Anyone with claustrophobia will tell you the lengths we will go through to avoid things like traffic jams and bridges.  Traffic jams while on a bridge is very, very high on the list of the CTS (Claustrophobic Terror Scale) along with elevators, tunnels, airplanes.  I do not enter elevators ever; I do not fly on airplanes, period end of subject.   When we lived in Annapolis and I had to travel to Delaware or New Jersey, I took the long way around Baltimore, adding 28 miles to my trip, just to avoid going through tunnels.  I have a letter from a doctor that I can send in should I ever get called up for jury duty because I can't take elevators and I wouldn't be able to sit in a court room without panicking.  God forbid I was on a jury that got sequestered.  Yup, that bad.

I was explaining all of this to JP during our wine time last night and trying to apologize for the part where I demanded he exit the highway even though there were no exits.  Because he is the best husband ever, he wouldn't let me apologize.  Listen, being in a relationship with someone who has these issues is often not a picnic, I get that. For example, my husband knows me to be a super logical person.  I solve problems and find answers. My common sense and IQ are both higher than average.
That's the me he lives with...the me who takes care of business, ours and others...until we are in a situation that invokes panic.

Until I am stuck on a bridge in rush hour traffic on a 100° day.

Then I'm a hyperventilating, cold sweating, heart pounding, inner screaming, freak who is freaking the freak out.


                 this is pretty much what a panic attack looks like

Here are the thoughts I was having on that bridge:

• oh my god, we're stopping
• this can't be happening
• oh my god omgomgomgomgomgomg...
• what if we're stuck here for hours? that happens sometimes, it's on the news
• what if the truck overheats while we're stopped
• then we won't have air conditioning
• i can't breathe without air conditioning (I really can't - lung issue)
• emergency vehicles won't be able to reach us
• there are no shoulders
• who designs roads and bridges with no shoulders for emergency vehicles?!
• we're on the lower deck; a helicopter couldn't even reach me
• i can't get out and walk off this bridge because it's too hot outside and i won't be able to breathe
• i'm going to die on this bridge
• today is that day

this is also pretty much what a panic attack looks like 

Those thoughts, when written out as they are above, look calm when in fact they should be written in red, bold letters with an excessive amount of exclamation marks.

Like, OMG WE'RE STOPPING!!!!!!! and THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!!!

As a very smart person, it's maddening to have and embarrassing to admit to those thoughts.  But it's helpful to talk/write about them and it's also high time to work on knocking down the stigma associated with mental health issues.  Let's be honest, I think you'd be hard pressed to find anyone who doesn't have something mental going on, right?  

And I told JP last night about the thoughts above that I was having when I wanted him to take the non-existent exit and he said he loved me anyway and, my God, am I beyond lucky to have one person who cares about me that much and if you don't have one person like that and you're dealing with this kind of BS, then hit me up and I'll be there to listen to and support you.  We are all here to lift each other up.  

I want to say that it's time for those of us who deal with issues to stop hiding in the closet, but that's a term that makes me uncomfortable to use.  When I was very small (4 or 5), my babysitters locked me in a metal free-standing closet and banged on it with me inside on a regular basis.  They also stripped me naked and locked me outside, also regularly.  They did this because they thought it was fun, it entertained them.  Their fun caused me a lifelong struggle with anxiety and all the other fun things that come with that...claustrophobia, depression, etc.  I kept quiet about this for a very long time but am no longer willing to do so.  Speaking out about it helps.  Don't worry, I won't turn this into a blog about abuse because that wouldn't help any of us to dwell dwell dwell...but when something in my life comes up and it's a direct result or effect of being traumatized, then, yeah, I'll write about it or incorporate or explain it.  I use humor a lot so I might go that route, too.

And then I'll move on, happily, until the next time something comes up and I have to process it.

It's all good.

 
¹Photo credit: Андрей Бобровский