A coupla things inspired it, the first being that it is 192°F outside and that kind of heat causes me an overabundance of distress so snow pictures calm me down as I hide from the sun and heat inside my wonderfully darkened, air-conditioned house.
The other thing that inspired this piece is that a friend of mine just moved to Florida yesterday...which got me thinking that, although I am happy for my friend whose longtime goal was to move to Florida, I am so thoroughly happy that I do not have to live in Florida.
When people move to Florida, a lot of people will say things like "you're so lucky" and "I'm so jealous".
I know that Florida is the end-all for a great many people.
I used to be one of them. In fact, for a long time I was a snowbird (someone who winters in Florida) as my parents and I would pack up and head to Miami Beach every January. I love(d) Miami Beach and when I was younger I was pretty convinced that I would one day have one of those things Florida people called con-do-mini-ums (they hadn't caught on in NJ back in the 70s) when I was old enough.
Then as I got older I realized a few things:
1. Seasons.
I hate summer but love the other seasons and Fall is #1 of the four. I could not live without Fall and its crispness and coziness and warm clothing. I love the light in Fall and the way the air feels. And what about that first snowfall each year? Even when it's just a dusting it still thrills. And springtime when you can once again throw the windows open and fill your home and lungs with fresh air.
Give that up? No way.
2. Bugs.
JP cannot live in a place where there are snakes - that's his thing. My (one of many) thing is bugs.
Listen, I don't mind the occasional normal spider (I catch and release them so they can continue to live and eat the other bad bugs) or the tiny ants that want to share my front porch with me or cute little ladybugs, but anything more or creepier than that and I'm out. I actually can't even look at pictures of creepy bugs without literally freaking out. Creepy bugs are one of my many phobias: entomophobia.
We have a brick house with a full basement and do you know what kind of bugs like brick houses and basements? Thousand-leggers or whatever you want to call them. I would share a picture of one but I cannot bring myself to actually look at pictures of them. Occasionally, I will see one in the basement and when that happens we hit the speed dial for our bug guy who knows that he needs to get here ASAP to eradicate "the situation". Our bug guy's name is Dan. We are on a first name basis.
Anyway, Florida bugs are simply mutants. I know, because I used to be a partial resident there.
Florida people get very defensive about their state for many reasons but even they cannot argue about their bugs being freaks of nature. I fail to comprehend the acceptance of life with these creatures and fully accept that I am a yellow-bellied, lily-livered, squeamish scaredy cat.
When I was younger, my parents would rent a suite in a hotel for a few months each year that came with a kitchenette so that we could prepare simple foods for breakfast and lunch (we ate dinner out). One time I was in the kitchenette wanting to prepare toast. I opened the cupboard to get something...and was greeted by a very large palmetto bug who had also gone into the cupboard to get something.
Well, I saw that thing and that thing saw me and the next thing anyone saw was me...
running...
at full sprint...
through the suite...
straight out the door...
down the hall...
outside...
through the hotel lobby...
finally coming to a stop on the Collins Avenue Miami Beach sidewalk in full anxiety mode.
I don't recall how my family talked me down and got me to agree to continue to stay there because I blocked that part out which is what happens when one experiences a traumatic event. I vaguely recollect something about an exterminator that may or may not have been called in an effort to appease me.
(Speaking of trauma, do you know how hard it is to go to sleep while wondering what's crawling around nearby?
It's why I can't stay in hotels to this very day. All I think about is how many people slept in the hotel bed, bedbugs, other bugs, and how clean the sheets/carpet/bedding really are, etc. So so gross.)
As if they weren't as disgusting as possible, Palmetto bugs also fly. Fly. And they are only the beginning of disgusting Florida bugs.
My friend has only been in her new Florida home for 24 hours but already there has been a Palmetto bug sighting and an exterminator called.
I know another Florida resident who talks about having to have their house exterminated a couple of times a year with a tent over their entire house because, for one, they have scorpions. Scorpions!
Should I also mention fire ants? Yeah, they sound fun. How do people let their dogs outside?
Florida Man Gets Flesh-Eating Bacterial Infection From Yard Work
Move to Florida, they say.
It'll be paradise, they also say.
No thank you, I say.
3. Sun.
This one is easy.
Florida is the Sunshine State.
We all know by now that I hate the sun¹.
Sun + Sharon = Bad
Of course, I mean no offense to my friend the new Florida resident or the millions of people who also live there and in other similar tropical climates.
If they're happy then I am genuinely happy for them. It is always a good thing to live in a place that you love.
It's just not the place for me.
Which is fine because JP would hate the snakes.
Venomous snake captured after it bites man, 19
We ate out a lot when we were in Miami Beach - sometimes fancy, sometimes not so fancy.
IHOP for breakfast was a regular thing, where my (step) father - who got a lot of pleasure indulging me (even my mother knows I was his favorite but don't tell the others) - would encourage my obsession with chocolate chip pancakes. The pancakes were more chocolate than they were pancake and they were always topped with a copious amount of whipped cream in a young person's fantasy kind-of-way.
Other places we ate regularly were the infamous Joe's Stone Crab - Sweden House for their mind-blowing smorgasbord and drinking glasses you got to keep! - and Lums.
Oh, how we loved Lums.
Like now, there were a million great places to eat in Miami Beach but Lums - which was directly across Collins Avenue from where we stayed - was our mainstay.
Why did we love Lums so much?
Simple: hot dogs cooked in beer.
Lums' hot dogs cooked in beer sustained my family for a lot of years. I still cook mine this way.
One time I cooked a simple thank you lunch to show appreciation to the mechanics that worked for JP and all I did was break out the steamer tray, filling it with cheap beer and good quality hot dogs. Well, you would have thought we fed those guys filet mignon.
Lums would finish theirs with a quick trip on the grill which is how to do it if you really want the best hot dog you've ever eaten.
Of course, lots of places cook their hot dogs in beer, including another of my family's regular jaunts - The Olde Heidelberg in Keansburg, NJ - but I'll save talking about that place for another post.
Hot Dogs Cooked In Beer
- Add good quality hot dogs to your pot/pan/tray. Don't cheap out because cheap hot dogs are gross and nasty and no one wants to eat them.
- Fill a pot or frying pan or steamer tray with the cheap beer of your choice (some people dilute the beer with water but I go hardcore at 100% beer) just covering the hot dogs.
- You can add spices (garlic powder, etc) but I don't think you need to if you're using high quality hot dogs.
Now let them simmer - not boil. Split and throw them on the grill for a minute or two if you want but it's not necessary.
Very good quality sauerkraut is highly recommended. I use wine kraut.
Don't cheap out on buns or rolls. As always (and with everything), quality is essential.
¹ I didn't actually start to hate the sun until about 20 or so years ago. Prior to that, I just had a strong dislike for it.
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