Tik Tok & Why I Don't Leave The House Much

Quick grocery store trip this morning to grab a few things for our upcoming camper trip. 

I'm in the coffee aisle when a woman passes by and says: Every time I come in here I can't find anything because they're always moving stuff around. 

 

I chuckle politely and say something like "yes, it does seem so, doesn't it?" 

 

There is a cautionary note I must add here: when interacting with a stranger in public, it is always best not to reply with anything that can be remotely construed as a question. 

My mistake in this interaction was adding the "doesn't it?" when I should have just left it as "yes, it does seem so. PERIOD. And kept moving.

That's cautionary note #2: keep moving. Always keep moving when interacting with a stranger.

 

She then proceeds to tell me that she is 62 years old and that she really doesn't mind the frequent reorganization of the store because, she says as she is tapping her finger to her head, "it keeps the old gray matter working".

 

So now I feel like she is giving off really strong lonely vibes and maybe, like me, she doesn't have a lot of people to talk to and I'm not a jerk so surely I can spare a moment of interaction that might potentially quell some of her potential loneliness.

And so I say, blunderingly, or lamely, or both, "I've got a big birthday coming up in October and I can relate to keeping the gray matter working."

OK, not my best line. But I wanted her to feel heard, ya know?  Ya know??!

 

Here's when things started to go south.

 

She asks what day my birthday is in October. I tell her. I know, I shouldn't have but at this point I was trapped.

 

Lady: "So you're a Scorpio."

Me:    "Yes."

Lady:  "But what is your ascending sign? Do you know?"

Me:    (very long pause as realization of what I've just let myself walk into overcomes me, rendering me momentarily speechless. also, becoming aware of not knowing ascending sign and feeling stupid but then wondering how many actually know their ascending signs so maybe i shouldn't feel stupid)
"No"  I say.

 

Lady:  "Are you on Tik Tok?"

Me, in my head:  ohgodohgodohgod

Me, in person:  "No, I'm not on Tik Tok."

Lady:  "Girl, you are missing out!  There is an astrologer I follow on Tik Tok, his name is John Smith*. You can go to his site and put in your birthdate and time of birth - do you know your time of birth? - and it will tell you what your ascending sign is and all kinds of things about yourself that you wouldn't believe!

I mean, it's really really accurate and who doesn't want to know more about themselves, right? You do, right? He is the absolute best!"

So I'm panicking and the only thing I can think to do is say "oh, I'll check him out" and I've got my shopping list in my hand and she's got hers, too, but she also has a pen and so I think if I ask to use her pen to write down John Smith's name maybe that will end this.

Me:  Can I use your pen so I can write down his name?

Lady:  Oh, well, sure. But most people just use their phones.

Really?  Now she's admonishing me?  Phone shaming me? I wanted to say "I am not like most people" but I suffer from that thing where I don't want to be rude to the person being rude to me.

I write down the name, ignoring the admonishment, and repeat that I will check him out as I shift my eyes from her and back to the coffee shelf, where I start to scan intently, hoping she'll get the hint.

She doesn't.

She does not get the hint, because the next thing she does is pull out her phone.

"You really need to be on Tik Tok. You have no idea how much you are missing out on. There's so much!

There's another astrologer I follow - I forget her name - but she's from Florida."

I am unsure why I would need to know where the astrologer is from - are the Florida astrologers better than those in other locations? - but I dare not ask one single more question.

Now she's scanning her phone.
"Oh, here she is. Tik Tok is so great. I mean, I don't just follow astrologers. There's also these really cute kid videos. I mean, people post videos about all kinds of things. You really should be on Tik Tok. I know they're talking about banning it or whatever and I do not know what I will do if they actually go through with that which I don't think they will because it's politics and government and you know they do things slowly and they're always talking about doing things that they never do. Oh, here's the drag queen person I follow, Aunt something or other. But I mean it, you have to join Tik Tok. See, all you do is click here to join and then you put in your information. I don't think you have to put in your actual real information, not like on Facebook, just put in whatever you're comfortable with..."

Me, pathetically hoping this might save me: "I'm on Instagram, it's very similar."

Sharon the lame

No no no!  Very very wrong thing to say! She is not pro-Instagram! Instagram is the enemy of Tik Tok!

Lady, as she is scrolling scrolling scrolling through Tik Tok on her phone and holding things up for me to see: "Oh no, Instagram is nothing like Tik Tok. Instagram? (she laughs, heartily) There's so much more on Tik Tok! Not just the funny videos. Oh, here's another Tik Tok astrologer that I follow. I forget her name - Anisha maybe? - I don't know but she's really really good and people all over the world follow her. She's into it all, you name it. Tarot, Runes, black magick.  I mean, not the bad black magick. She's from Louisiana. Oh, and here is one of my pages.  I have two pages. On this one I post a lot of stuff, like inspirational stuff. See? And sometimes I add music. No, I mean my own music..."

She proceeds to scroll scroll scroll and show me each of many things while saying "this one is _____" with a detailed explanation of what each post is. Is it called a post on Tik Tok? Whatever.

At this point I am screaming in my head because now I am praying that she is not going to press the button on her phone that brings up some kind of video with her singing and playing guitar or whatever and I'm going to have to stand there, in the coffee aisle of Acme supermarket, listening to it, smiling a fake smile, and mumbling something about how great it is while crying on the inside and wondering why God has forsaken me.

She does not press the button.  Thank you, Jesus.

Survival instincts kick in and I slowly, carefully, start cautiously moving, knowing that any false moves may cause her to pounce.

Me:  OK, well, thanks and have a good day.

Gingerly taking a step or two away.

Lady: I know, I go on and on about it but I really love Tik Tok (haha, she laughs) and it really is worth having - much more than any of the other ones...

Me:  "Yes, I'll be sure to check it out." Now I'm a good six feet away. Almost free.

Lady:  "Don't forget to find out what your ascending sign is. It really is good to know. You can learn a lot about.."

Me:  "For sure! I definitely will. Have a good day."  Now I'm halfway down the aisle from her, in front of the coffee brand I want to buy but I dare not stop, deciding that it's much safer to get out of that aisle while there's still time and that I will circle back later when the coast is clear.

I make it to the next aisle where I grab my phone and call JP, my game plan being that if she comes my way I can just point at my phone to indicate that I am on a very important phone call.

Total elapsed time estimation of entire interaction:  12 minutes, minimally.  

I manage to complete my shopping by peering down each aisle before turning into them.

While loading my groceries into my car, I hear someone shouting, twice, have a good day, have a good day.  Once inside my car I glance in my rearview and see that it was her, looking my way, from two parking lot aisles away.

And this, friends, is why online grocery shopping is the greatest gift ever.
There are times, like today, when I am inclined to do my own shopping but going forward, I shall remember to remember this day and not make that mistake again.

 

 

 

*John Smith is not the astrologer's real name but I don't want to post it because I haven't and won't be checking him out and I don't want to point anyone in his direction in case he is not, in fact, "the absolute best".