Yesterday Was The Final Straw

Yesterday the stupid landscaper tore out my morning glories.

I was (am) devastated on a level I can't put into words.

Since it happened, I can't go out the front door because I can't see the areas where they aren't anymore.  I'm going to have to use the garage door on the other side of the house to avoid the area of carnage where the decimation happened.

Today it feels like I'm...mourning? A feeling of profound sadness. Does that sound dramatic? Extreme? Ridiculous?

Maybe so.  But it was me who planted them last year and this year it felt like they came back for me.

Because they knew I loved them.  My babies.

And they got ripped out by idiots who call themselves landscapers but don't know the difference between a weed and a flower vine and it feels so...violent.

After a literal lifetime of being traumatized, I seriously don't need one more thing to traumatize me.

The kicker?  I didn't want the landscapers to come but I didn't put up enough of a fight.

And look what happened.

So I melted down last night and finally said I have had enough.

I do not want to live in a house that requires the services of a landscaper.

I do not want to live in a house where the lawn company comes regularly to fertilize.

I do not want to live in a house with a sophisticated, complicated irrigation system.

For years I have given in to things that I never, ever wanted and boy oh boy has it cost me.

I don't want a McMansion life.

I don't want to be defined by - God forbid - the quality of my lawn.

I am not this shallow, this one-dimensional.  I've just been playing the part for too long.

Well now it's time to put the brakes on that.

To get real again, to return to my roots (no pun intended).

I live on a cul-de-sac, for God's sake.  I have the dream suburban life only it's actually a nightmare.

I love this house but I hate where it is, I hate the upkeep of a fancy property that no one is ever outside enjoying anyway.  In a neighborhood where everyone keeps to themselves.  What is the point of all this?

I want simple again.  

I want to grow my morning glories and live in a house on a humble property where no one will ever touch them except me.

And you can mark my words that I will make sure that happens.  I owe it to myself. 

I have to be in control of my own happiness again.

Life With Reverse-SAD + Bach Remedies

A wonderfully cloudy day yesterday with rain and non-severe storms last night.

I was calm, happy - felt that heavy, burdensome weight of summer lift off of me. Stood at the front door for a long time just watching the heavy rain fall.

Woke up to bright sunshine and 0% chance of clouds or rain today and my mood has plummeted.

The weight is back.

This is ife with Reverse (Summer) Seasonal Affective Disorder (R-SAD).

bleh.

There's not a lot of options for me (personally) to deal with having R-SAD.  I do not take medications (such as anti-depressants) because 

1. I hate medications, and

2. Nearly all medications cause abnormal side effects for me, above and beyond what the medication's side effects pamphlets might indicate. I am just not cut out for pharmaceuticals*.  Not that long ago I sprung $$ for genetic testing to see what meds might and might not work for me and some that were on the list as good meds were the ones that had caused tremendous problems for me in the past.  C'est la vie, right?

I have always been very interested in holistic options for well-being and one, in particular, has served me through the many traumas I've been dealt:  Bach Rescue Remedy, a combination of flower essences that calm the mind, body and spirit naturally and safely.

If you are unfamiliar with the Bach line of flower essence products, you can read about them here.

There are individual Bach remedies that address many different issues someone might be dealing with - here is a quick reference guide to the 38 remedies and the particular characteristic or emotional state they can help:  Bach Remedy Quick Reference Guide

Additionally, Rose Todd, a Bach Remedy expert, has an amazingly helpful website and she's very responsive to messages and questions you might have.  She wrote a post for people like me who suffer with summer:  Too Hot To Handle

*I used to be okay with medications of any kind but that all changed when I suffered a double pneumothorax (lung collapse) in 2009. My brain was likely affected (hypoxia) as a result of going days with reduced oxygen (left lung was 100% collapsed, right lung was 75+% collapsed.  I had about two hours left to live by the time I got to the hospital.)