Yesterday Was The Final Straw

Yesterday the stupid landscaper tore out my morning glories.

I was (am) devastated on a level I can't put into words.

Since it happened, I can't go out the front door because I can't see the areas where they aren't anymore.  I'm going to have to use the garage door on the other side of the house to avoid the area of carnage where the decimation happened.

Today it feels like I'm...mourning? A feeling of profound sadness. Does that sound dramatic? Extreme? Ridiculous?

Maybe so.  But it was me who planted them last year and this year it felt like they came back for me.

Because they knew I loved them.  My babies.

And they got ripped out by idiots who call themselves landscapers but don't know the difference between a weed and a flower vine and it feels so...violent.

After a literal lifetime of being traumatized, I seriously don't need one more thing to traumatize me.

The kicker?  I didn't want the landscapers to come but I didn't put up enough of a fight.

And look what happened.

So I melted down last night and finally said I have had enough.

I do not want to live in a house that requires the services of a landscaper.

I do not want to live in a house where the lawn company comes regularly to fertilize.

I do not want to live in a house with a sophisticated, complicated irrigation system.

For years I have given in to things that I never, ever wanted and boy oh boy has it cost me.

I don't want a McMansion life.

I don't want to be defined by - God forbid - the quality of my lawn.

I am not this shallow, this one-dimensional.  I've just been playing the part for too long.

Well now it's time to put the brakes on that.

To get real again, to return to my roots (no pun intended).

I live on a cul-de-sac, for God's sake.  I have the dream suburban life only it's actually a nightmare.

I love this house but I hate where it is, I hate the upkeep of a fancy property that no one is ever outside enjoying anyway.  In a neighborhood where everyone keeps to themselves.  What is the point of all this?

I want simple again.  

I want to grow my morning glories and live in a house on a humble property where no one will ever touch them except me.

And you can mark my words that I will make sure that happens.  I owe it to myself. 

I have to be in control of my own happiness again.