We Might Have A New Jersey Problem

Yesterday I spent a lot of time here 🠝

I sat on a shady bench with Luna, chatted with a bunch of people like the lady with a bicycle who took a strong liking to Luna and vice versa; and the caregiver who was walking with the old woman with the walker.

I watched tugboats (I ♥ tugboats) and pleasure boats come and go; giant freighters pass by. It was a calm day so sometimes I could hear voices carrying over the water from people on the docks opposite from where I was sitting.

As if all of this wasn't wonderful enough, I got to watch planes arrive and depart from Philadelphia International Airport (PHL) while tracking them on the FlightRadar24 app which told where they were going or coming from - a thrill I can't explain to anyone who isn't a dreamer or someone with wanderlust or someone with an overactive imagination.  

Budapest!

My late father had a severe case of wanderlust and airplane love and we went on many, many related adventures when I was little.  I'll write more about that one day.  He would have loved my yesterday.

After the park, I picked up lunch and returned to our little apartment.

I keep meaning to make a video about how and why we now have an apartment in New Jersey and a house in Delaware but I'll give you the Cliffs Notes version here:  even though we have an amazing house in Delaware - a dream house, really - I was rapidly declining mentally and physically after 2.5 years of being there. 
Turns out that you can have the best house with the best stuff and still hate where you live because, in short, there is no soul there. Because it's quite possibly the most boring place on earth.  Because my daughter is in NJ and we can't have too much distance between us. Because New Jersey is unlike any other place and it gets into your blood and no other place will ever be as good. If you are a born and bred New Jerseyan like I am, you'll get that.

You can take the girl out of New Jersey but you can never take the New Jersey out of the girl.
I had to go back.

It's another of the things that I'll write more about one day or I'll finally make that video I've been procrastinating.

So we rented an apartment so I could be back in my beloved New Jersey and get grounded and normal and reset my nervous system.  It was really bad in Delaware.

The idea was that I would sort of split my time between the two places until we decided what our next literal move would be - more than likely that would mean selling the DE house and buying a NJ house.

The problem, though, is that the more time I spend at the little apartment, the happier I get, and the more I don't want to go back to Delaware...even for a few days.  

I have a three-bedroom lushly landscaped house with a large family room (all of which are filled with antiques), a deck with beautiful patio furniture, my own office, a she-shed, on a quiet cul-de-sac...

and I'm far more happy in a little one-bedroom apartment.

When I met JP I lived in a two-bedroom apartment that I adored and I told him emphatically that I did not want to buy a house when he was pushing for one after we'd been together for awhile.
I loved the freedom of apartment life - the low responsibility life, the carefree lifestyle, the ability to easily move when the lease was up if I were unhappy there.
I wound up giving in to his house wish and we've had several houses since and every single one of them has felt like this:

A constant monkey on my back.
Like I am heavy with responsibility and worries and unexpected expenses.

Don't get me wrong, I was proud to be a homeowner but I was always always aware of the burden of it.

I was/am the weirdo who thinks outside the norm that maybe homeownership is sort of overrated. At least for some of us.

For context I should add that it's just me and JP down there in Delaware. No friends, no family who visit (stay tuned for those stories).  What are we doing down there in Delaware with a big house and property?? So much maintenance. Last year we paid more than $1,000 just to have someone remove leaves.  
It's all just too much.  

The plan was that I was going back to Delaware tonight for a few days and now I don't want to.
I woke up this morning with much less of the physical pain I live with every day and I know it's because here in the apartment, I feel lighter and much happier.  I'm actually feeling trepidatious about going "home" to Delaware even though 3/4 of my stuff is there.  

I think I'll put it off for one more day so my time there is lesser and I can come back to NJ sooner - to this little apartment - my literal happy place.

Turns out, stuff might not really equal happiness after all.

P.S.  Since being at the apartment, I'm actually writing again.

Anosmia Tales: HomeGoods Candles

Crowded HomeGoods store in Cherry Hill (NJ) yesterday.

Candle aisle.

(I still buy candles for the aesthetic even though I can no longer smell anything)

Side-eye watched as lots of people sniffed lots of candles as they shopped the aisle.

I was ery aware that it felt like a gut punch.

I wanted to tell every one of them how lucky they are to be able to smell the candle scents and that they should never, ever take that for granted.

Seventeen+ years of not being able to smell anything anymore and it still hurts and saddens everyday.

There is no escape from constant reminders of this loss.

2:00 a.m.

2am. woke up for the bathroom and maybe because something might have been annoyingly pinching my leg.

back in bed after bathroom, think i hear rain.

think about drought conditions. feel happy that it's raining - we need it.

remembered that the patio furniture is uncovered.

spent 10 minutes pondering whether it would be okay if the cushions got wet.

got up, looked outside: no rain.

back in bed. thought about whether or not weatherman said it was going to rain overnight. can't remember.

thought/worried about cushions getting wet again.

checked the weather. heavy rain at 4am forecast.

i don't want the cushion to get wet.

thought about mold and mildew.

thought about how much we spent on patio furniture.

thought a little bit more about mold and mildew.

..............

got out of bed and into the garage to get patio furniture covers.

schlepped the heavy covers through the house and out onto the back patio.

looked around, hoped nothing creepy was out there or would land on me.

wrestled with (2) arm chair covers, (1) loveseat cover, (1) sofa cover.

put them on incorrectly several times before (mostly) getting them right.

back inside and into bedroom. remembered that the patio umbrellas were up and thought i should probably have put them down in case it gets windy when/if it starts to rain.

back outside to lower the umbrellas.

back inside to the bedroom. kinda wired from wrestling with patio furniture covers and umbrellas.

go on pinterest. go on twitter.

eventually acknowledge exhaustion feeling. decide to try sleeping again but first a quick trip to bathroom again because nighttime is party time for bladder.

pull back cover to get back into bed - what is that black thing on my sheets? is it the thing that was pinching my leg? get out of bed to get a paper towel to remove black thing that can't be identified because i didn't bother to put glasses on.

throw black thing away. put on sleep mask, snuggle into covers. try not to think about what black thing might have been.

settle in but then start thinking about how i think i'm feeling kind of hungry.

toast might be nice but a lot of effort.

remove sleep mask, say "f**k it" out loud, plod into kitchen to make a cup of coffee and get a cheese stick to quell hunger pangs.

think about how enjoyable middle of the night coffee is.

dog has followed me and is looking at me like "where's mine?"

feed dog some dog food.

eat cheese stick with some sips of coffee.

back in bed thinking that after all this middle of the night activity

1. i will just catch up on missed sleep later and be just fine (ha), and

2. if it winds up not raining i'm going to be really, really pissed.

4am update: no rain.

August Calendar