Embracing Nothing

I'm up at the apartment this week, a sort of respite from a tumultuous October.

Do you know about my apartment? It's in New Jersey, my beloved home state.  About three years ago we bought an amazing dream house in rural Delaware because the plan was that my husband JP was going to retire...until the reality of retiring hit him and he changed his mind - the timing of all that was unfortunate because we'd already purchased the house.  It is a house that some people who love to own - large house filled with carefully chosen antiques all of which have a story attached to them of our adventures in attaining them over the years; the property heavily treed and private, and it's even on a cul-de-sac which some people think is a very desirable location for one's house to be located, but in reality cul de sac translates to dead end which, in my case, is more accurate.  You see, while you might think that I should be over the moon happy to own such a place, that's actually not the case for me.  Despite the greatness of our house, I very much do not like living in rural Delaware and in the almost three years that I've been there it has been very detrimental for my mental and physical health. It is a vastly different lifestyle than I am used to and although I worked very hard to acclimate to a rural lifestyle, it has become very clear that I simply cannot.  Also, should not, if I value my sanity, which I very much do.
The decision was made by my husband to get me out of there while we decide what to do about the Delaware house...and get me back to the environment where I thrive - my beloved New Jersey, my home. So now we have a New Jersey apartment.

I'm supposed to be using this apartment as a tool to help reset my fragged nervous system. I've not been very successful at that because I can't shut off the got to do something mindset that I can't seem to ever turn off.

Yesterday, a Monday, I went to the grocery store and then did...nothing.
As the day progressed so did the level of freaking out because I did nothing.
Another day wasted, I told myself...along with some other not nice stuff I tell myself about myself.

This morning, though, a day later, a surprising thing. I told the mean voice to quiet down, reminded myself why I have this apartment even though I literally have a very big and beautiful house; told myself that doing nothing is perfectly okay.  More thank okay, actually.
Necessary.

For healing. For refocusing. 

I'm embracing nothing.