Flag Day 2019

Bay Head, NJ

It's Okay To Not Forgive

It happened again this morning.

I was on Facebook, scrolling as I drank my first cup of coffee.  One of the pages I follow posted some platitudinal rubbish about for every person you forgive, you heal a wound of your own.

Platitudes are high up on the list of things that are the bane of my existence.
By definition, they are dull and insipid; a banal, trite, or stale remark.  You know, the kind of thing that inspires eye rolls.  The kind of thing that is a blanket statement that is supposed to apply to every single person, no matter the/their circumstance, as if the entire population of the entire world should all be doing the exact same thing all the time without exception and then we will achieve some kind of Stepford Wife-ish nirvana.

Then later, adding insult to injury and also on Facebook, I saw a post that said:

Road To Nowhere

Sitting Still On A Friday

More evidence that sometimes something good comes from something bad:

Last week Sherilyn was not feeling well with a pretty good cough and general malaise and so I got to work making a vat of chicken soup for her.  This is what I do whenever any one of us is sick as a pot of my very garlicky chicken soup has been known to cure most ills.
Then I got the idea to mix up a batch of fresh juice for her and us, too.  The more vitamins, the better, right?  But I didn't want to drag out the juicer because cleaning that thing after usage is a nightmare, so I decided to use the Ninja thing with the big attachment.

This is really boring so far but here comes the good part.

Reverse/Summer Seasonal Affective Disorder - What It Is and Isn't

I have mentioned before but in case you're new here, I am one of the 1-6% of the population who has Summer - or Reverse - Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Yes, it's a real thing and I want to tell you about what it is and, more importantly, what it is not.

When you think of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), you probably picture someone slinking into depression when the cold winter comes along and the clocks get set back, enveloping them in darkness before dinnertime.  The lack of sunlight and the cold temperatures sends them spiraling into despair, counting the days until the clocks are set back giving them more time for their idol, the sun, to shine down upon them again until late in the warm summer evenings.

Bossy BS

So this gem popped up yesterday - International Women's Day - on some government site I follow:

Stuff like this gets up under my skin like nobody's business.

Bossy is not good.
Bossy has never been good.
People don't like bossy people.
Not caring if people don't like you as long as you get to continue being bossy is a really weird outlook.  What's the payoff?

From the time you are little you would recoil whenever anyone tried to boss you around.
You stopped being friends with people because they were too bossy.

I know the bossy thing was a thing awhile back.  It was cool to be bossy; somehow even "empowering".

Beyoncé wanted/wants you to be bossy.
And you know you're supposed to do whatever it is that celebrities tell you to do. ::massive eyeroll::

I used to be a boss. In fact, I was a boss of a lot of people when I ran the freelance and editorial departments of two major publishing firms*. But I was not a bossy boss.  Instead, I was a leader boss.

I was a leader of my people!

A bossy boss is a jerk that no one likes or respects or is loyal to.

A leader boss is well-liked because they lead by example and respect the people who work for them. In turn, leader bosses have a happy, loyal team.

Being a good, non-bossy boss is not hard.  Like all good things, being a good boss is rather simple: you start with a foundation of treating people just the way you would want to be treated, aka the Golden Rule.  See?  Not hard at all, people (I'm looking at you, bad bossy bosses)!

I have had bossy bosses, both female and male. You know what they got from me and the other people who worked for them?  A whole lot of not much, that's what!  When I used to interview people for jobs one thing I always told them was that they would not last long working for me if they were just warm bodies.  A warm body is someone who shows up to work and does the bare minimum so that they can just collect a paycheck.  Warm bodies are the kind of employees that bossy bosses have. I have been a warm body so I know.

Well, that doesn't sound right, does it.  

I have been a warm body for bossy bosses.

Nope, still doesn't sound right.  Forget it, you know what I mean.

Anyway, I really think that quote above by Miss Sheryl Sandberg needs a little makeover.

How about:

I want every little girl to be told she has leadership skills and that one day she can be the boss but she doesn't have to be bossy 

to be effective.
-Sharon O'Brien Huey, COO at Huey Enterprises

Much better.

Take that, Beyoncé!






*Easily verifiable; contact me for list of publications in which my name appears in masthead.

Messages From The Universe

This quote has been popping up at me everywhere lately.

Clearly, it's the Universe sending me a message.

Writing hard and clear about what hurts has been on my mind for...oh, I don't know, maybe 30 or so years?  

Did I mention my tendency to procrastinate?  World class.

So it might finally be time to actually start. Today.

But probably tomorrow.

If you are someone who has been nice to me at some point in my life, I will remember to thank you in the Acknowledgements section of my book(s) when I finally write them.

If you are not someone who has been nice to me at some point in my life, I will not be thanking you in the Acknowledgements section of my book(s)...but I do otherwise thank you for all the material you've given me to write about.

Heart > Mind

If you have read any of my previous posts, you will know how much social media gets under my skin but, oh my goodness, it is a treasure trove for ideas of stuff to write about!  It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Today, someone on Instagram posted a lament about how frustrated she felt that posts about her upcoming wedding garnered tons of attention (i.e. likes) whereas her posts about her business or creative accomplishments didn't get as much attention as she would like, or felt she...deserved.

She went into a big thing about how she noticed that posts about engagements, baby showers, birth announcements, etc. on social media resulted in the same thing.  It made her feel uneasy.

She suggested that maybe we should throw business showers instead of  baby showers for each other.

Of course, 153,296,702 women agreed with her. (That number might be a slight exaggeration.)

Use Words Not The Like Button

If you read the 'About' page on my photo art website Land O' Make Believe , somewhere in there it says: I needed to find a way to make people see and feel again...to make them slow down, to pause for just a minute. 

That sentence or something similar is also in multiple newspaper articles about me.

For awhile, it worked.
My artwork did make people slow down and really see what they were looking at.  I knew this because they told me so. I would receive messages about how some people would linger on an image of mine and let it sink in, feel it.  Or how it brought up a beloved memory.  That sort of thing.

I treasure those interactions like you would not believe.  My husband will tell you that I get more excited about that kind of thing than I do when I make a sale (but sales are really nice so please feel free to go buy something of mine right now!). 

But getting people to slow down and see is not working anymore and the reason I know that is because of LIKES.

Every single time I talk about LIKES I am always compelled to add a disclaimer along the likes of "of course I always appreciate receiving likes" because right after that there is a big old BUT.

I appreciate receiving likes BUT they make me crazy.
I appreciate receiving likes BUT sometimes I don't.
I appreciate receiving likes BUT I wish there was no such thing as the like button.

I'm so frustrated by the epidemic of 'liking' that I am in serious reconsideration of how I do things so that I can not rely so heavily on social media.  Oh I know there are 700 bazillion businesses and people who are A-OK with getting likes but, you know, it just ain't me.  The like button makes me feel hollow.  That's the truth.

A week or so ago on Instagram someone posted a beautiful poignant photograph. She had captured a real moment between two people with her camera - it took my breath away. 
I noticed she had a couple dozen likes for it but no comments.  So I left one.  I told her how it made me feel, that it was the best thing I'd seen on the internet in days. I wanted to show my appreciation with words and I wanted to make her feel good. She never responded to my comment which maybe is her style but I could never in a million years not respond to the kind of comment I left for her.

When was the last time you showed your appreciation with words instead of or in addition to the nanosecond like click?  Why not NOT click the like button and instead leave a comment?
How many times did you mindlessly click the like button as you scrolled scrolled scrolled or swiped swiped swiped?  At the end of the day do you remember what you really saw that day?
I mean, really saw. 

We're too wrapped up in this like thing.  I almost never use the like button because it's so awkward to me + well, I kinda really just hate it.  Sorry.  Still just being truthful.

We're so inundated by images.  I don't think our brains can handle it.  We're rapidly losing our attention spans and that is really, really bad. That's one of the big reasons I have to come up with ways to do things differently instead of posting on social media.  If I sent you an email with my latest art you couldn't click a like button, but you could potentially look at for longer than a second or two because you wouldn't be under the spell of social media. The trance of scrolling and swiping.

Can you imagine walking through a museum really fast saying "like...like...like..." as you walked past amazing artwork?  Hopefully you wouldn't do that.  But you are doing exactly that on the internet.  It's not good.  I think we all should be horrified that we're no longer in awe of...much.  When was the last time you saw something that made you talk about it at the dinner table? 

The following link is to an article that nailed this topic better than I ever could.  I urge you to read it.  Here's a sample from it:

The Like has become the currency of carelessness — a way to show we approve without being deeply invested. In many cases, it covers for a lack of attention. It helps fake news propagate, discourages meaningful conversations, encourages shallowness, and exacerbates the most psychologically damaging effects of social media. 

Yikes, right? 
Here's the link:  Why Facebook and Instagram Should Kill The Like Button

I hope you slow down today and really see some stuff and show your appreciation for it with words.

Resettling

I'm spending the morning looking a ton of different locations to resettle and open my eventual shop.
We're pretty certain it's going to be in the SW Virginia area as it seems to be most suitable for what we are looking for.


What ARE we looking for?


Well, the biggest thing is community.

See, I'm not profit-driven.

I know. That sounds crazy. Who ever says they want to open a business and not worry about profit?

Me? 

I find that I shy away from popular places. I want to live and work in a place where it's quiet and friendly and people know you. I want to be off the beaten path. I want to be somewhere that feels like I belong there.

I used to not be that way. Hard to believe but I used to hang out in New York City on a very regular basis, mostly Greenwich Village.

Haven't been there in years and not really all that interested in it anymore.

I don't care for trendy and I really don't care for overspending on stuff.

The best cup of coffee I've ever had did not cost $8.

I want people to come to my shop not just to shop.

My shop will have comfortable places where you can just sit and visit or read or whatever.
Except for computers and cell phones. I'd like it if you could leave those things at home.

My shop will probably not have free wi-fi. haha

January, So Far

January is not a good month for me.
No, it isn't because it's the middle of winter; I actually like that part. Winter is cozy and cloudy and you can breathe when you go outside and you can go places and they're not crowded - what's not to like about those things?

The reason I don't like January is because it was in this month ten years ago that I became very, very sick and fought for my life for 10 days in CICU.  Pneumonia, lungs collapsed (pneumothorax). I still can't write all the details because...well...

this:

At the point that this went down, I was already someone with a good deal of trauma in my life which had manifested in PTSD that was, for the most part, manageable. Then this thing happened and while I was ecstatic and grateful to the millionth power that I'd come through it, the episode and all it entailed (no details but you can imagine) manifested in - you guessed it - a more defined and cemented PTSD. Yay.

Long story short, January itself is a trigger. Double yay.

I have to keep really, really busy during this month and avoid being idle at all costs.
Idle = overthinking and overthinking =



Also, humor. I couldn't survive any of all this without it.

There are good things that come from bad things sometimes, though, and one of the good things that came from this event ten years ago is that I quit smoking.  Although my illness back then was not caused by smoking, I still would have had to have been a complete moron to keep smoking after a double lung collapse that almost killed me.

So hooray! I have officially reached my 10 year anniversary of not smoking 😄

Thank you, lungs. I'm so sorry I ever abused you.

I've been keeping very busy with all the new creating I've gone back to doing.
I'm making clothes again...and greeting cards...painting...and still doing the photo art.
This has been loooong overdue. 
I can't do just one thing. I've never been able to.  Even when I was an editor I had to be juggling five other things in addition to editing reference books.  I'm happy and excited.
 

I had a meeting with a new doctor today.  Yes, a meeting. Like a meet and greet.  Can you imagine?  We sat and talked, no examination. She didn't even sit behind her desk but instead sat in one of the comfortably upholstered chairs alongside me in front of her desk. I guess that was so it didn't feel doctor/patient-ish.  Our knees were almost touching. She wore regular clothes, nothing doctor-like about her.  She asked if I wanted a cup of coffee from their coffee bar, where there were real mugs, not disposable. I told her about my doctor anxiety and she completely understood which was shocking because I'm used to being dismissed. She does everything differently than the way 99.9% of other doctors do things. She told me how she wants to do things the way it used to be done and I said I remembered well how that was...when doctors answered their own phones and made house calls (she makes house calls!), etc.
She asked - wait for it - if "I was even old enough to remember  all of that".
That sealed the deal. She is now my new doctor! 👍

I read about the latest brouhaha that's got everyone all worked up - this time caused by Gillette and their new commercial. I spent some time reading the comments and watching people lose their minds over this. 
All I have to say is that if you're getting your life advice from a corporation, you might want to rethink that.

While I was waiting to meet the doctor today, I was scrolling puppies on my phone.
I'm allergic to dogs but do okay with the breeds that are so-called hypoallergenic.  That's what my Luna is - a hypoallergenic yorkie/poodle mix.
My brain tells me I don't need another dog but my heart tells me otherwise.
I wonder which one will win?

Doomsday Of The Oral Variety

So my mom thinks I should have a bunch of my teeth pulled.

That's her solution to the mouth pain I experienced over the past weekend.

Her reasoning is that I keep having problems with my teeth and teeth problems are hereditary¹ - I seriously can't think of one person in all of my relations who have good teeth - so just cut to the chase and get rid of them.

Out with the old, in with the fake.  No more mouth pain, problem solved. Why fight the inevitable?

Because no one I am related to has good teeth or even has teeth as most are denture wearers, I have been diligent my whole life about my teeth but despite that, genetics is winning the war. I brush a lot, I floss...but still crazy problems arise. Combine genetics² with autoimmune stuff³ and I pretty much have a bunch of ticking white time bombs in my mouth.  Doomsday of the oral variety.

Dentists sometimes disagree.  Their thought is that if you just come to their office once or twice a week for the rest of your life and have ridiculously expensive procedures on a regular basis, you'll be just fine and you will see that genetics or diseases or medications have nothing to do with it, they say.

Maybe just don't pay your rent or mortgage and y'all can have great teeth.
And do your kids really need new clothes or all of that food?  Perhaps a second job to pay for that implant? We have financing!

I went to a terrible dentist¹¹ for awhile last year.  I have severe medical phobia²² (real deal, not just the 'i don't like doctors' kind) so I didn't notice she was as bad as she was despite the eye rolls of her staff every time she left the room. With medical phobia all you can do is concentrate with all you've got on not having a massive panic attack and running out the door so you miss a lot. During one visit, I was in the chair and she was working away on something in my mouth. The dental assistant asked me a question and I answered it and the bad dentist lady freaked out and yelled at both of us.  Apparently I wasn't supposed to talk while she was working except she never actually told me or the assistant that even after the assistant asked me the question.
Have you ever had a dentist yell at you?
Have you ever had a dentist yell at you as someone with severe medical phobia (that she knew about)?
She also told me in front of other patients to not wait too long to schedule an appointment for another problem tooth "because it's your M.O. to wait too long".   She really said M.O.
In front of other people.
Then there was the time she was working in my mouth and asked me if I took aspirin.
I answered that I sometimes take Tylenol. She said "Tylenol is not aspirin. I said aspirin."
Then she told me the reason she asked is because she "can't stop the bleeding"...which is a terrific thing to say to someone who has medical phobia.  It took the better part of six hours to come down from the adrenaline spike that anxiety attack caused.
After the 'cant stop the bleeding' incident, I stopped going to her.  Not long after that I heard she no longer worked there and had moved to Florida.  I only hope she is selling homemade puka shell necklaces on the beach there instead of being a dentist because that would be more suitable to her qualifications, in my opinion.

Moral of this story:  don't put up with bad care ever + don't pull out your teeth if you can help/afford it.  But if you can't help/afford it, that's okay too.
Don't let anyone make you feel bad about you...including you.


Further Reading:
¹ Genes May Be Linked To Oral Health Problems
² How Your Genetics Are Affecting Your Teeth
³ Autoimmune Diseases Effects On Oral Health
¹¹How To Deal With An Arrogant Doctor
²²How To Overcome Extreme Fear Of Doctors